Men Need Help Removing Their Armour

Men Need Help Removing Their Armour

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Patriarchy hurts men.

It is a system that drastically needs to be challenged and dismantled for everyone’s benefit.

Patriarchy’s continued impact on women is actively challenged. Progress is there but it’s slow and encounters frequent setbacks. 

Comparatively patriarchy’s impact on men is often sidelined and doesn’t garner as much attention.

Men speaking against patriarchy feels like an oxymoron or the ultimate betrayal. Who wouldn’t want to be a man in a patriarchal system?

The answer, as I’ve witnessed, is most men.

From an early age, a lot of men find themselves placed in the role of an armoured knight, a naïve soldier of the patriarchy. We are expected to be ready to face any challenges that the world throws up and emerge victorious. 

The origins of this ‘role’ derive from the inherent need within a patriarchal system to proactively challenge and fight other patriarchies. This requires literal man-power, and men willing to go to war, and make the ultimate sacrifice.

Compelling the majority of men to be prepared to give up their lives, requires considerable indoctrination. Indoctrination tells you that if aren’t willing to put everything on the line, there is something wrong with you. If you aren’t strong enough to perform when you are needed, there is something wrong with you.

A lot of men, throughout their lives, are expected to be strong, resilient, and unwavering in the face of adversity. The armour we wear is a collective construct of stoicism, emotional restraint, and the belief that seeking help is a sign of weakness. This armour protects us from judgments and vulnerabilities but can hinder growth, emotional well-being, and the ability to form genuine connections.

It can become an inseparable part of a man’s identity, shaping his perception of strength, vulnerability, and weakness.  

“Be a man” and “man up” are phrases that are uniquely conveyed to the male gender. And interestingly there is no female equivalent for the word ‘emasculating’.

Choosing to step out of this defined role, often brings ridicule, bullying and exclusion, as many men can attest to. 

It is a very difficult thing to do.

Just as a knight requires the assistance of squires to help him remove his armour, men often need support and understanding to dismantle the protective layers that have been built or imposed over time. Breaking free from the shackles of traditional masculinity is not a sign of defeat but a declaration of courage and growth.

Friends, family, mentors, therapists, coaches and support groups serve as the modern-day squires, offering a helping hand to assist in the delicate process of de-armouring. 

They encourage men to embrace vulnerability, express their emotions, and seek help without feeling inadequate. This support network helps men understand that seeking assistance doesn’t diminish their strength but empowers them to face their battles more authentically.

Just as a knight feels relief and liberation when his armour is removed, men experience a similar sense of freedom and peace when they shed the societal expectations that have bound them for so long. 

It allows them to stand tall, unencumbered, and authentic in their feelings and experiences.

Underneath this armour they find themselves. And others start to see the real them too – instead of another reluctant knight within the patriarchy.

Removing the armour doesn’t diminish their heroism; instead, it showcases their bravery in confronting their struggles and evolving into their true selves. 

Let us acknowledge this, extend our support, and create a world where men can be proud, unshielded, and truly empowered.

Pay Transparency

Pay Transparency

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Pay Transparency to reduce disparity.

For a lot of organisations, this is the time of the year performance for the previous year gets recognised and bonuses and pay increases are awarded.

While progress has been made, there are still disparities between the earning potential and performance recognition of men and women.

I choose to believe that in the majority of organisations, inequality and gender pay gap issues are unintentional.

I choose to believe that enough organisations have come to recognise gender inequality within remuneration as an issue and have taken action to address the obvious issues.

However disparity still exists, and that is why we need to focus on some of the things that well-intended organisations can unknowingly do.

  1. Biased performance evaluations, even if unintentional, can lead to differences in salary adjustments and promotions. Assertiveness and overconfidence tend to benefit men more than women in overcoming performance issues.
  2. Negotiations: Men and women may approach salary negotiations differently. Research suggests that men are more likely to negotiate aggressively for higher pay, while women may feel uncomfortable or may be penalised for doing the same. This can lead to differences in starting salaries and pay raises over time.
  3. Lack of transparency: Organisations that do not openly discuss pay scales and salary ranges may inadvertently perpetuate pay disparities. Employees might not be aware of discrepancies, and this lack of transparency can make it challenging to address and rectify any inequities.
  4. Pay History: Basing salary offers on an employee’s previous pay history can perpetuate past gender pay gaps and exacerbate existing disparities, even if unintentional.

One powerful approach to addressing this issue is through pay and performance transparency within teams.

Sharing details of what people earn, as well as how they have performed, seems to be regarded as a faux pas, but why?

Reasoning tends to focus on protecting the privacy of underperformers, and those who are the lowest earners.

I agree with that reasoning, but what about transparency at the top end?

By openly sharing information about top performers’ salaries and achievements, organisations can foster a culture of accountability and consequently, greater equality.

Transparency as a Benchmarking Tool

Sharing information about the highest earners and top performers within teams enables individuals to benchmark their own progress and career advancement. By knowing what it takes to be at the top, employees can set realistic goals and devise strategies to achieve excellence.

This is especially crucial for women who, despite having the skills and competence, might have lacked the information or confidence to aim for top positions.

Motivation to Excel

Transparency can be a powerful motivational tool. When employees are aware of the potential rewards for outstanding performance, they are inspired to put in their best efforts. This motivation transcends gender boundaries and propels everyone to strive for greatness. By creating a meritocracy, transparency ensures that hard work and dedication are recognised, irrespective of gender.

A Shift in Organisational Culture

Embracing transparency represents a significant shift in organisational culture. It demonstrates a commitment to fairness, equality, and empowering all team members. This cultural transformation attracts diverse talent and promotes an inclusive environment where everyone feels valued and encouraged to participate actively.

Some Humble Pie for the Over-Confident

The impact of disclosing the pay and performance ratings of top performers could also result in some humility at this top end and maybe the dose of reality that those keen negotiators need.

Some might express concerns about sharing salary and performance data, fearing that it could lead to resentment or negative competition.

However, transparency does not mean exposing every employee’s information. Instead, it focuses on sharing the success stories and accomplishments of top performers, allowing others to learn from their experiences and emulate their strategies.

Ideally, if the organisation is being fair, and equitable and basing its decisions on merit, then there shouldn’t be an issue. Everyone should be able to see the evidence for themselves and come to a similar conclusion that those top performers deserve their higher salaries.

If that isn’t the case, then perhaps it’s actually exposed the underlying biases and inequality within the process. I’d count that as a win, albeit an uncomfortable truth for some organisations to swallow.

Pay and performance transparency is not a magical solution, but it represents a crucial step towards achieving gender equality in the workplace.

By sharing who earns the most within teams and celebrating top performers, organisations create an environment that values merit, dedication, and talent above all else.

These are things that most organisations think they do already, but we know that can often be just rhetoric.

Put Your Sword back in its place.

Put Your Sword back in its place.

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Let’s get awkward instead.

 

Sexism and other forms of discrimination continue to plague our society, and many people are wondering what they can do to help.

This comes up a lot in my Bloke Coaching sessions with men.


One option that some people suggest is that men need to call out sexism when they see it. This seems logical and plenty of men promise to do this, but we know it’s harder than the rhetoric.

It requires courage. A lot of courage. And sets a high benchmark.

It’s ok to not have the courage. Plenty of us don’t.

Despite all the pledges and commitments we might make, when the pressure is on, most of us don’t step up to “Call it out!”

And that is ok.

But, what else can we do?

A recent coachee (a CEO) talked to me about the sexism being demonstrated by his company’s owners – three men – in some of their meetings together. He really wanted to start including his 2IC (a woman) but felt that it currently wasn’t a great environment for women.

How does he call this out? Does it help these men to change their behaviour? He wants to, but there is a lot on the line.

And so, like many men, every day, we choose to do nothing.

Which maintains the status quo.

There’s another option.

Awkwardness.

When we refuse to engage with sexist behaviour or comments, when a sexist joke falls flat, we shame the person telling the joke, or behaving that way, and send a covert signal that their behaviour is not welcome.

No one wants to be told a joke that isn’t funny. No one wants to behave in a way that gets strange looks or doesn’t evoke the reaction we are looking for.

When people make sexist jokes or comments, they are looking for attention and validation.

If they do not receive this attention or validation, they may begin to question whether their behaviour is appropriate or acceptable.

By refusing to engage with sexist behaviour, men can help shame the person and create a situation where the other person recognises (on their own) that their behaviour needs to change.

The more we do this, across a range of settings, men can help create an environment where such sexist behaviour is simply not tolerated in any situation.

There is no greater catalyst for a person to change their behaviour than feeling unwelcome, and our desire to be accepted.

It is important to note that this approach is not about avoiding difficult conversations that need to be had or shying away from addressing discrimination.

Rather, it is about choosing the most effective approach in each situation. A lot of behaviour we witness that needs to be addressed falls into a grey area. There are significant power imbalances present in many of these interactions.

In some cases, calling out sexism may be the best option, while in others, creating an awkward environment may be sufficient and a more comfortable solution for us to deploy.

We don’t have to take up a sword to win this battle.

Are you being equal with the Me Time?

Are you being equal with the Me Time?

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Or is ‘ME’ time really short for ‘MEN’ time?

We have all heard the idioms:

– Fix your oxygen mask first, before helping others.

– You can’t pour from an empty glass.

– You need to have ‘me’ time in order to be your best self.

This is all true, however, a lot of men I talk with tend to be quite generous with the ‘me’ time they give themselves.

Perhaps overgenerous. And I wonder about their female partners, who are usually looking after the kids whilst this me time is enjoyed.

Some play sports or go bike riding. Some have regular nights out. Some frequent the gym. Some like to work on their cars, or in the garden. The list goes on.

None of this is bad.

Recently I was talking with a good friend who rides regularly. He has a young family – same as me – and I was lamenting about how I would love to join him for a ride or a run, but I was finding it so difficult to fit the time in.

He responded with something along the lines of “You just need to make the time. It makes you a better dad, husband etc.” And then he used the oxygen mask analogy.

The reality is though when he is out for a ride (often 2-3 hours each time), his wife is home with 3 young kids.

There is no equivalent ‘her’ time – at least not as visible or structured.

She has often joked that she should tally up the ride time and cash it in for a couple of months in Fiji. Whilst she jokes, I sense she may still really want to cash in a bit (or a lot) of the time she has earned.

And this is a common occurrence amongst the fathers within my network. Regular – perhaps excessive – ‘me’ time at the expense of their partners getting some time for themselves.

The large majority of these men are employed full-time, whilst their partners may work part-time hours, and almost all of these men out-earn their partners.

By contrast, I hear from women that their ‘me’ time often includes doing the grocery shopping alone – 30mins of child-free time at the shops is cherished.

Compare that to the ride every Saturday morning that goes for 2-3hours. Or the round of golf every Sunday. Or the regular Friday night out with mates.

Does bringing in more money, give the entitlement to more ‘me’-time?

Yes, fix your oxygen mask first, but make sure you aren’t taking all the oxygen.

True, you can’t pour from an empty glass, but that doesn’t mean your glass needs to overflow, whilst your partner is running on empty.

Being your best, whilst your partner is struggling, isn’t really you at your best.

Equality starts at home.

Whatever ‘me’ time you are taking, make sure that it is equal to the ‘me’ time that your partner is getting.

With research consistently showing that mothers take on the lion’s share of caring and household duties, it is worth taking a deeper look at where both of you are spending your time each week.

Maybe it’s time to do an audit.

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

by | Blog

𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗗𝗘𝗜 𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀?

There is a difference between compliance training and real development.

I don’t work in compliance training, but unfortunately, many organisations mistake DEI as another compliance topic.

At the heart, many organisations want to be seen to be tackling the issue and are looking for options that can tick boxes.

Unconscious Bias Training has become a go-to option for organisations wanting more than just EEO and anti-discrimination modules, but in reality, it is not doing what you think it is doing.

Whilst Unconscious Bias is now a fairly well-known term, very few people take any meaningful steps.

Most people think ‘greater awareness’ is a suitable outcome or takeaway, without actually challenging what this awareness is or how it will inform their actions going forward.

The training ticks a box. And then people wonder why it hasn’t produced any meaningful change.

We may have crossed our arms, and committed to #breakthebias2022, for International Women’s Day 2022, but how has that been going for you?

We get kudos for showing up. We applaud commitments to champion change.

That’s the end of the story.

Next time, pay attention to the subtle use of words used by a program sponsor or a senior leader that has been through unconscious bias training.

“WE need to address this” or “WE need to do more about this.” or something similar…

Whilst sharing accountability through ‘WE’ (and getting everyone’s heads nodding) it actually also serves to negate personal responsibility.

Which means nothing changes.

Better leadership looks like:

“I am going to fix the problem by….”

“I am going to change the way… “

“I know that I’ve been getting it wrong”.

Unfortunately, we often fall into the trap of thinking it is other people’s biases that we need to break.

This mindset leaves us to overlook our own prejudices.

This mindset evades the uncomfortable truth that we are contributing to the problem.

Some more than others.

Our discomfort is worth others feeling more comfortable.

Discomfort is where learning happens.

Discomfort motivates real change.

You don’t need more unconscious bias training.

We don’t need more slides or e-learning.

We need a better intervention.

#blokecoaching is an uncomfortable program.

And we make no apologies for that.

Clients get upset.

They cry. They argue.

Through the program, we help everyone to understand their privilege, the patriarchal system and their individual prejudices, and those topics are going to stir up some big feelings.

But that is part of the process. And our clients are better for it.