Put Your Sword back in its place.

Put Your Sword back in its place.

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Letโ€™s get awkward instead.

 

Sexism and other forms of discrimination continue to plague our society, and many people are wondering what they can do to help.

This comes up a lot in my Bloke Coaching sessions with men.


One option that some people suggest is that men need to call out sexism when they see it. This seems logical and plenty of men promise to do this, but we know it’s harder than the rhetoric.

It requires courage. A lot of courage. And sets a high benchmark.

It’s ok to not have the courage. Plenty of us don’t.

Despite all the pledges and commitments we might make, when the pressure is on, most of us don’t step up to “Call it out!”

And that is ok.

But, what else can we do?

A recent coachee (a CEO) talked to me about the sexism being demonstrated by his company’s owners – three men – in some of their meetings together. He really wanted to start including his 2IC (a woman) but felt that it currently wasn’t a great environment for women.

How does he call this out? Does it help these men to change their behaviour? He wants to, but there is a lot on the line.

And so, like many men, every day, we choose to do nothing.

Which maintains the status quo.

There’s another option.

Awkwardness.

When we refuse to engage with sexist behaviour or comments, when a sexist joke falls flat, we shame the person telling the joke, or behaving that way, and send a covert signal that their behaviour is not welcome.

No one wants to be told a joke that isn’t funny. No one wants to behave in a way that gets strange looks or doesn’t evoke the reaction we are looking for.

When people make sexist jokes or comments, they are looking for attention and validation.

If they do not receive this attention or validation, they may begin to question whether their behaviour is appropriate or acceptable.

By refusing to engage with sexist behaviour, men can help shame the person and create a situation where the other person recognises (on their own) that their behaviour needs to change.

The more we do this, across a range of settings, men can help create an environment where such sexist behaviour is simply not tolerated in any situation.

There is no greater catalyst for a person to change their behaviour than feeling unwelcome, and our desire to be accepted.

It is important to note that this approach is not about avoiding difficult conversations that need to be had or shying away from addressing discrimination.

Rather, it is about choosing the most effective approach in each situation. A lot of behaviour we witness that needs to be addressed falls into a grey area. There are significant power imbalances present in many of these interactions.

In some cases, calling out sexism may be the best option, while in others, creating an awkward environment may be sufficient and a more comfortable solution for us to deploy.

We don’t have to take up a sword to win this battle.

International Women’s Day Join the discussion

International Women’s Day Join the discussion

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Men, we need to be active and involved.

March 8th is International Womenโ€™s Day, in case you hadnโ€™t noticed.

There is a plethora of female voices championing for equality, celebrating successes and inspiring more work to be achieved.

In case you are yet to realise, they arenโ€™t just talking to themselves.

๐Ÿ”‡ Being silent is not the answer.

โœ”๏ธ We need to engage.

Let’s do more than simply show our support.

Let’s demonstrate that we are listening to female voices. We are recognising that we need to take action. We are taking action. We are trying to be the change.

Here are some suggestions:

๐Ÿ’ก Go beyond ‘Liking’ a post. Instead, share in the comments why you liked the post; what you took away from the post; what you agree with; or where it has challenged your thinking. Or share the post with your network โ€“ this gives the author the opportunity to reach a larger audience.

๐Ÿ’ก Share Examplesย of the work that you have been doing personally to #breakthebias. Be vulnerable. Itโ€™s not easy to retrain our biases โ€“ and we all have them. Share your experiences in order to inspire other men, and give the women in your network encouragement that we are listening, we are starting to understand, and we are trying to do better.

๐Ÿ’ก @Mention women that have inspired you, developed you and challenged you to be better. Celebrate them and thank them. You can do this publicly in a post or privately through DM.

๐Ÿ’ก Post about what your organisation is achieving towards gender equality, and what this progress means to you personally. Too often these posts only come from other genders.

As for actions to do outside ofย  social media platforms:

โžก๏ธ Ask questions, be curious, and listen.ย Every woman has a story to share. Literally, every woman.

โžก๏ธ Educate Yourselfย โ€“ listen to podcasts, ted talks, or read articles, and prompt a discussion. Google terms and issues that you donโ€™t completely understand yet.

โžก๏ธ Talk to other men about IWD, and gender inequality. Chat about what you struggle with, what equality would mean โ€“ for all genders, and what youโ€™ve observed about your own male privilege.

โžก๏ธ Contact me if you want to have a chat or would like some learning recommendations.ย I always reply, and as an executive coach, confidentiality is assured.

International Womenโ€™s Day is a day to profile women and the issues they face, but it shouldnโ€™t be a day that men aren’t involved in.

Let’s demonstrate our desire to be part of the solution.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, our commitment to keep that desire going all year!

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

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๐—”๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐——๐—˜๐—œ ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐˜€?

There is a difference between compliance training and real development.

I don’t work in compliance training, but unfortunately, many organisations mistake DEI as another compliance topic.

At the heart, many organisations want to be seen to be tackling the issue and are looking for options that can tick boxes.

Unconscious Bias Training has become a go-to option for organisations wanting more than just EEO and anti-discrimination modules, but in reality, it is not doing what you think it is doing.

Whilst Unconscious Bias is now a fairly well-known term, very few people take any meaningful steps.

Most people think ‘greater awareness’ is a suitable outcome or takeaway, without actually challenging what this awareness is or how it will inform their actions going forward.

The training ticks a box. And then people wonder why it hasn’t produced any meaningful change.

We may have crossed our arms, and committed to #breakthebias2022, for International Women’s Day 2022, but how has that been going for you?

We get kudos for showing up. We applaud commitments to champion change.

That’s the end of the story.

Next time, pay attention to the subtle use of words used by a program sponsor or a senior leader that has been through unconscious bias training.

“WE need to address this” or “WE need to do more about this.” or something similar…

Whilst sharing accountability through ‘WE’ (and getting everyone’s heads nodding) it actually also serves to negate personal responsibility.

Which means nothing changes.

Better leadership looks like:

“I am going to fix the problem by….”

“I am going to change the way… “

“I know that I’ve been getting it wrong”.

Unfortunately, we often fall into the trap of thinking it is other people’s biases that we need to break.

This mindset leaves us to overlook our own prejudices.

This mindset evades the uncomfortable truth that we are contributing to the problem.

Some more than others.

Our discomfort is worth others feeling more comfortable.

Discomfort is where learning happens.

Discomfort motivates real change.

You don’t need more unconscious bias training.

We don’t need more slides or e-learning.

We need a better intervention.

#blokecoaching is an uncomfortable program.

And we make no apologies for that.

Clients get upset.

They cry. They argue.

Through the program, we help everyone to understand their privilege, the patriarchal system and their individual prejudices, and those topics are going to stir up some big feelings.

But that is part of the process. And our clients are better for it.