Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

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๐—”๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚ ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐——๐—˜๐—œ ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐˜€?

There is a difference between compliance training and real development.

I don’t work in compliance training, but unfortunately, many organisations mistake DEI as another compliance topic.

At the heart, many organisations want to be seen to be tackling the issue and are looking for options that can tick boxes.

Unconscious Bias Training has become a go-to option for organisations wanting more than just EEO and anti-discrimination modules, but in reality, it is not doing what you think it is doing.

Whilst Unconscious Bias is now a fairly well-known term, very few people take any meaningful steps.

Most people think ‘greater awareness’ is a suitable outcome or takeaway, without actually challenging what this awareness is or how it will inform their actions going forward.

The training ticks a box. And then people wonder why it hasn’t produced any meaningful change.

We may have crossed our arms, and committed to #breakthebias2022, for International Women’s Day 2022, but how has that been going for you?

We get kudos for showing up. We applaud commitments to champion change.

That’s the end of the story.

Next time, pay attention to the subtle use of words used by a program sponsor or a senior leader that has been through unconscious bias training.

“WE need to address this” or “WE need to do more about this.” or something similar…

Whilst sharing accountability through ‘WE’ (and getting everyone’s heads nodding) it actually also serves to negate personal responsibility.

Which means nothing changes.

Better leadership looks like:

“I am going to fix the problem by….”

“I am going to change the way… “

“I know that I’ve been getting it wrong”.

Unfortunately, we often fall into the trap of thinking it is other people’s biases that we need to break.

This mindset leaves us to overlook our own prejudices.

This mindset evades the uncomfortable truth that we are contributing to the problem.

Some more than others.

Our discomfort is worth others feeling more comfortable.

Discomfort is where learning happens.

Discomfort motivates real change.

You don’t need more unconscious bias training.

We don’t need more slides or e-learning.

We need a better intervention.

#blokecoaching is an uncomfortable program.

And we make no apologies for that.

Clients get upset.

They cry. They argue.

Through the program, we help everyone to understand their privilege, the patriarchal system and their individual prejudices, and those topics are going to stir up some big feelings.

But that is part of the process. And our clients are better for it.

Transgender Awareness Week 2022

Transgender Awareness Week 2022

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Just a reminder that Transgender Awareness Week should be about giving visibility to the challenges faced by this community – issues of prejudice, discrimination, and violence that affect the transgender community – and working to ensure greater inclusion of members of this community within your organisation.

Don’t take ‘visibility’ as an invitation to push people who are members of the transgender community into the spotlight as a way of signalling inclusion, and acceptance.

It is not the role of members of this community to educate us (unless that is specifically a role they have chosen to take up) and answer questions that we have or to be an expert on diversity and inclusion policies and practices. Or to be a spokesperson for all of the experiences of the people of this community.

Their experience is their own, and their right to share or keep it private.

We need to educate ourselves.

โžก๏ธ Reflect on whether our discussions about gender equality are cis-centric, binary or lacking intersectionality. And what we could be doing better to support all genders? Take a look at whether your inclusion policies tend to focus on the LGB and not so much the TQ+.

โžก๏ธ Reflect on our language, particularly how we talk about people of this community, particularly when in the company of only cis people. Is our language affirming of gender or treating ‘them’ as an ‘other’ or ‘special’?

โžก๏ธ Reflect on whether our ‘curiosity’ to understand things we haven’t experienced personally, leads us to ask inappropriate questions or pry into details of someone’s life that they should not feel pressured to disclose to us (ever). Would we ask the same questions to someone who is cis?

โžก๏ธ Reflect on whether our network (professional and personal) or workplace includes members of this community and if there are none (or you can count them on one hand), reflect on what may be contributing to that. Reflect on what we could do to become more inclusive and improve the diversity of friends, network or workplace.

โžก๏ธ Reflect on aspects of the cis-tem (system) that may be contributing to the exclusion or uncomfortableness of members of this community. Take a more conscious look at our bathroom setup, pronoun usage, dress codes, and what level of support and sensitivity is given to employees undertaking a gender affirmation process.

That’s what I think it is supposed to be about.

My Hands Are Full

My Hands Are Full

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For the last 18 months, I’ve been, and still am, the primary carer for my daughter on at least two days of the working week (plus Sunday).

My wife and I have split responsibilities so that we both do paid work 3 days a week, 3 days a week we are the primary carer for the kids (we have 3), and Saturdays we are all together.

It is not easy to coordinate. And starting and running a business during this time has been particularly challenging.

Both of us realise though that the person looking after the kids on a particular day will, on balance, usually have the tougher day, and needs the ‘hunter/gatherer’s support from the moment they have finished ‘gathering’ for the day.

This is a promise we make to each other, and we try our best to leave our other work at work so that we can be there for the other person.

Personally, I have found it particularly difficult to manage my own expectations of what I can commit to regarding my business.

I’ve been thinking “I only work 3 days”.

Through coaching, I realised that that simple phrase was actually making me feel inadequate. An unconscious narrative that I should be working 5 days in my business, and was subsequently putting pressure on myself to make up the other 2 days outside of standard hours.

I wasn’t logging off, and I was trying to do work when my daughter slept or was otherwise distracted. I was working at night when everyone slept (and I should have been sleeping too).

I then transitioned to thinking “Actually, I work 3 days”. And realised that I needed to contain my work commitments to these days. Having this bleed into home life, wasn’t an option.

But again, through coaching, I began to appreciate that I was still actually devaluing my domestic/caring duties because they weren’t ‘paid’. I still felt the pressure to think about work, when I wasn’t at work. And my other job suffered.

Despite my recognition that caring responsibilities are, actually, the harder job.

The reality is “I’m working 7 days. I have 2 jobs.”

My new personal narrative is that “I’m a father and husband first. My second job is as a business owner, coach and facilitator.”

And, with this in mind, and looking back at the last couple of years (which admittedly have been the hardest of my life), I’ve never been happier.

AND, I think I’m better at being a gatherer.

There is a lot of pressure that we, and society, place on ourselves to be the hunter/gatherer, and to be the best hunter/gatherer.

The difficult lesson I’ve learnt this year is that we should instead perhaps focus on being the best partner and father first (or whatever this other ‘job’ is for you).

In the scheme of things, no one really cares how good of a hunter you are. But the important people care about how good you are at your first job.

Do You Wipe The Seat?

Do You Wipe The Seat?

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Speaking on behalf of most men, accidently peeing on a toilet seat happens often.

When this happens, you are faced with a decision – to clean it up or to move on and pretend it wasn’t you.

Hopefully you choose the former.

But evidence suggests that many of us choose the latter.

I would presume that when using a public toilet as opposed to one in your home, the chances increase that you will move on and pretend it wasn’t you. (I’m sure there’s a research paper in that).

Again, I point to evidence. Evidence that I’ve seen in public bathrooms.

Now what do you do when you see pee on the seat when you arrive?

Do you clean it or do your thing and leave it?

Those who make the latter choice may convince themselves that it wasn’t them so they have no responsibility to clean it up.

They count themselves lucky that it wasn’t a number 2.

Perhaps unconsciously, they thank their cis-male privilege that they don’t have to sit down to pee.

Our fellow (cis-female) humans do not have this privilege.

๐—ช๐—ต๐˜† ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐—œ ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ธ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ถ๐˜€?

Well, what do you do when you seen inequality within the system? Do you wipe the seat, or leave it for others to do it?

Any by ‘others’ I mean it will usually be a woman that has to do it, or perhaps a cleaner (let’s call them the DEI team).

You may not need the seat wiped in order for you to be ‘successful’ with what you are trying to do.

You probably notice ‘the pee’ but it doesn’t inconvenience you enough to do anything about it.

It may not have been you that put ‘the pee’ there in the first place.

But to walk past it and do nothing, only perpetuates the obstacles encountered by others, who don’t share your privilege.

It is much easier for us to do nothing, but that will only ever help people like us to ‘succeed’.

We have all left pee on the seat. Maybe it was ours. Someone else’s. A combination.

It is not someone else’s job to clean this up. And we shouldn’t only wipe the seat when it will serve us.

The reality is noone is going to call you a ‘champion of change’ for wiping the seat, but it’s the things that you do when no one else is looking that determines your level of commitment to making the system fairer for everyone.

Now, I’ve heard enough horror stories from female bathrooms to know that women can contribute to this problem as well (particularly in public bathrooms).

Speaking to the women, perhaps you have successful ‘squatted over’ the system. Well done you, but that doesn’t help the women that aren’t like you, or other genders.

Women who have succeeded in the system also have a responsibility to ‘wipe the seat’ for others, ensuring the system is fair for everyone, not just people like them.

Take a moment and look down.

Look down at the systems and processes that you’ve successfully worked through to get where you are.

There is plenty of pee to clean up.

No excuses. Wipe the seat.

How many circles do you see in the image below?

How many circles do you see in the image below?

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It is not a trick – there are actually 16 circles.

Look again.

When you see them – trust me – it’ll be all you can see.

I stumbled across this optical illusion – it’s called a Coffer Illusion. (You can search for it if, like many people, you still can’t see the circles and want further help).

It took me ages to see the circles, and then they appeared – as plain as the rectangles and lines that I was seeing before.

This is a great way to think about our privilege.

When we have it, we can’t see it.

Others will tell us that barriers exist for those without certain privileges, but when we have privileges – we don’t see them.

And because we can’t see them – we arrogantly determine that they don’t exist.

We may even think that others are making it up.

Well, it’s there. So are the circles.

And just like with privilege, when we spend long enough looking for what others can so plainly see, eventually we will see it.

And eventually, that’ll be all we can see.

And instead of questioning their existence in the first place, we will wonder why we never saw it before.

And now that we see it, we take action.

Bloke Coaching is a program to help men understand male privilege, patriarchy and prejudice, and be proactive in driving gender equality.

My clients consistently report that once they become aware and see the obstacles, see the microaggressions, see the privilege โ€“ they can’t unsee it.

They see it in the media, they see it in movies and tv shows, they see it in restaurants.ย 

They see it when on public transport, when they are in meetings, in playgrounds and at school.ย 

They see it at home.

The reality is that, unfortunately, until you actually start seeing it, you aren’t going to be nearly as effective as you think you are at tackling it.

“H-e-y-G-u-y-s” “Hey Everyone!”

“H-e-y-G-u-y-s” “Hey Everyone!”

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I’ve been working on changing my go-to of referring to a group of people as “guys”.

It has NOT been easy.

There are, of course, plenty of peopleโ€”including many people who aren’t men โ€”who have no problem being addressed as “guys”, and have come to think that word has become entirely gender-neutral and don’t see a reason to change.

So what prompted me to change?

First, I noticed when and how I referred to groups of people as “guys”.

– a group of only men โžก๏ธ “guys”, even sometimes “fellas”.

– a group of a majority of men โžก๏ธ “guys”

– a group of about 25% men โžก๏ธ “guys”

– a group with only 1 man or less than 10% men โžก๏ธ still “guys” but I’m only now starting to notice that it maybe it’s not the best word.

– a group of only women โžก๏ธ I’ve still referred occasionally to them as “guys” but I’m very conscious of the word coming out of my mouth. NB. I’ve never felt comfortable using the word “ladies”, even with a group of all-women.

What I noticed about the above is that even when there is a majority of non-men, this still doesn’t stop me. It’s only when there are no men or few men, that it becomes an unusual word to use.

Aren’t I therefore unknowingly confirming that groups or men or a majority of men is (or should be) the norm and that I’m only prompted to be inclusive to non-men when they far outnumber the men?

That’s not good. And it’s not helping to correct a system that favours men, it’s perpetuating it.

Side note, I was once a part of an email distribution list that included EAs, PAs and admin assistants. The emails all started with “Hi Ladies”. I wasn’t the only man on this list. It felt uncomfortable, but I never spoke up about it.

So – like everything – it’s been hard to rewire my brain. It’s the same rewiring that I’ve done with people’s correct pronouns.

It’s not easy, but it is important.

My discomfort is worth someone else’s comfort.

I’m trying and I’m still not getting it right all the time.

I’m also positive that none of my workshop groups has noticed. But that’s the whole point, we only notice when someone refers to us incorrectly.

Male privilege is not thinking twice about being referred to as a group of “guys”. But we would notice if (when) we are part of “ladies”.

Post below your thoughts and if you have been making the change.