International Women’s Day Join the discussion

International Women’s Day Join the discussion

by | Blog

Men, we need to be active and involved.

March 8th is International Women’s Day, in case you hadn’t noticed.

There is a plethora of female voices championing for equality, celebrating successes and inspiring more work to be achieved.

In case you are yet to realise, they aren’t just talking to themselves.

🔇 Being silent is not the answer.

✔️ We need to engage.

Let’s do more than simply show our support.

Let’s demonstrate that we are listening to female voices. We are recognising that we need to take action. We are taking action. We are trying to be the change.

Here are some suggestions:

💡 Go beyond ‘Liking’ a post. Instead, share in the comments why you liked the post; what you took away from the post; what you agree with; or where it has challenged your thinking. Or share the post with your network – this gives the author the opportunity to reach a larger audience.

💡 Share Examples of the work that you have been doing personally to #breakthebias. Be vulnerable. It’s not easy to retrain our biases – and we all have them. Share your experiences in order to inspire other men, and give the women in your network encouragement that we are listening, we are starting to understand, and we are trying to do better.

💡 @Mention women that have inspired you, developed you and challenged you to be better. Celebrate them and thank them. You can do this publicly in a post or privately through DM.

💡 Post about what your organisation is achieving towards gender equality, and what this progress means to you personally. Too often these posts only come from other genders.

As for actions to do outside of  social media platforms:

➡️ Ask questions, be curious, and listen. Every woman has a story to share. Literally, every woman.

➡️ Educate Yourself – listen to podcasts, ted talks, or read articles, and prompt a discussion. Google terms and issues that you don’t completely understand yet.

➡️ Talk to other men about IWD, and gender inequality. Chat about what you struggle with, what equality would mean – for all genders, and what you’ve observed about your own male privilege.

➡️ Contact me if you want to have a chat or would like some learning recommendations. I always reply, and as an executive coach, confidentiality is assured.

International Women’s Day is a day to profile women and the issues they face, but it shouldn’t be a day that men aren’t involved in.

Let’s demonstrate our desire to be part of the solution.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, our commitment to keep that desire going all year!

Are you being equal with the Me Time?

Are you being equal with the Me Time?

by | Blog

Or is ‘ME’ time really short for ‘MEN’ time?

We have all heard the idioms:

– Fix your oxygen mask first, before helping others.

– You can’t pour from an empty glass.

– You need to have ‘me’ time in order to be your best self.

This is all true, however, a lot of men I talk with tend to be quite generous with the ‘me’ time they give themselves.

Perhaps overgenerous. And I wonder about their female partners, who are usually looking after the kids whilst this me time is enjoyed.

Some play sports or go bike riding. Some have regular nights out. Some frequent the gym. Some like to work on their cars, or in the garden. The list goes on.

None of this is bad.

Recently I was talking with a good friend who rides regularly. He has a young family – same as me – and I was lamenting about how I would love to join him for a ride or a run, but I was finding it so difficult to fit the time in.

He responded with something along the lines of “You just need to make the time. It makes you a better dad, husband etc.” And then he used the oxygen mask analogy.

The reality is though when he is out for a ride (often 2-3 hours each time), his wife is home with 3 young kids.

There is no equivalent ‘her’ time – at least not as visible or structured.

She has often joked that she should tally up the ride time and cash it in for a couple of months in Fiji. Whilst she jokes, I sense she may still really want to cash in a bit (or a lot) of the time she has earned.

And this is a common occurrence amongst the fathers within my network. Regular – perhaps excessive – ‘me’ time at the expense of their partners getting some time for themselves.

The large majority of these men are employed full-time, whilst their partners may work part-time hours, and almost all of these men out-earn their partners.

By contrast, I hear from women that their ‘me’ time often includes doing the grocery shopping alone – 30mins of child-free time at the shops is cherished.

Compare that to the ride every Saturday morning that goes for 2-3hours. Or the round of golf every Sunday. Or the regular Friday night out with mates.

Does bringing in more money, give the entitlement to more ‘me’-time?

Yes, fix your oxygen mask first, but make sure you aren’t taking all the oxygen.

True, you can’t pour from an empty glass, but that doesn’t mean your glass needs to overflow, whilst your partner is running on empty.

Being your best, whilst your partner is struggling, isn’t really you at your best.

Equality starts at home.

Whatever ‘me’ time you are taking, make sure that it is equal to the ‘me’ time that your partner is getting.

With research consistently showing that mothers take on the lion’s share of caring and household duties, it is worth taking a deeper look at where both of you are spending your time each week.

Maybe it’s time to do an audit.

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

Are you watering down your DEI Initatives?

by | Blog

𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗗𝗘𝗜 𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀?

There is a difference between compliance training and real development.

I don’t work in compliance training, but unfortunately, many organisations mistake DEI as another compliance topic.

At the heart, many organisations want to be seen to be tackling the issue and are looking for options that can tick boxes.

Unconscious Bias Training has become a go-to option for organisations wanting more than just EEO and anti-discrimination modules, but in reality, it is not doing what you think it is doing.

Whilst Unconscious Bias is now a fairly well-known term, very few people take any meaningful steps.

Most people think ‘greater awareness’ is a suitable outcome or takeaway, without actually challenging what this awareness is or how it will inform their actions going forward.

The training ticks a box. And then people wonder why it hasn’t produced any meaningful change.

We may have crossed our arms, and committed to #breakthebias2022, for International Women’s Day 2022, but how has that been going for you?

We get kudos for showing up. We applaud commitments to champion change.

That’s the end of the story.

Next time, pay attention to the subtle use of words used by a program sponsor or a senior leader that has been through unconscious bias training.

“WE need to address this” or “WE need to do more about this.” or something similar…

Whilst sharing accountability through ‘WE’ (and getting everyone’s heads nodding) it actually also serves to negate personal responsibility.

Which means nothing changes.

Better leadership looks like:

“I am going to fix the problem by….”

“I am going to change the way… “

“I know that I’ve been getting it wrong”.

Unfortunately, we often fall into the trap of thinking it is other people’s biases that we need to break.

This mindset leaves us to overlook our own prejudices.

This mindset evades the uncomfortable truth that we are contributing to the problem.

Some more than others.

Our discomfort is worth others feeling more comfortable.

Discomfort is where learning happens.

Discomfort motivates real change.

You don’t need more unconscious bias training.

We don’t need more slides or e-learning.

We need a better intervention.

#blokecoaching is an uncomfortable program.

And we make no apologies for that.

Clients get upset.

They cry. They argue.

Through the program, we help everyone to understand their privilege, the patriarchal system and their individual prejudices, and those topics are going to stir up some big feelings.

But that is part of the process. And our clients are better for it.

My Hands Are Full

My Hands Are Full

by | Blog

For the last 18 months, I’ve been, and still am, the primary carer for my daughter on at least two days of the working week (plus Sunday).

My wife and I have split responsibilities so that we both do paid work 3 days a week, 3 days a week we are the primary carer for the kids (we have 3), and Saturdays we are all together.

It is not easy to coordinate. And starting and running a business during this time has been particularly challenging.

Both of us realise though that the person looking after the kids on a particular day will, on balance, usually have the tougher day, and needs the ‘hunter/gatherer’s support from the moment they have finished ‘gathering’ for the day.

This is a promise we make to each other, and we try our best to leave our other work at work so that we can be there for the other person.

Personally, I have found it particularly difficult to manage my own expectations of what I can commit to regarding my business.

I’ve been thinking “I only work 3 days”.

Through coaching, I realised that that simple phrase was actually making me feel inadequate. An unconscious narrative that I should be working 5 days in my business, and was subsequently putting pressure on myself to make up the other 2 days outside of standard hours.

I wasn’t logging off, and I was trying to do work when my daughter slept or was otherwise distracted. I was working at night when everyone slept (and I should have been sleeping too).

I then transitioned to thinking “Actually, I work 3 days”. And realised that I needed to contain my work commitments to these days. Having this bleed into home life, wasn’t an option.

But again, through coaching, I began to appreciate that I was still actually devaluing my domestic/caring duties because they weren’t ‘paid’. I still felt the pressure to think about work, when I wasn’t at work. And my other job suffered.

Despite my recognition that caring responsibilities are, actually, the harder job.

The reality is “I’m working 7 days. I have 2 jobs.”

My new personal narrative is that “I’m a father and husband first. My second job is as a business owner, coach and facilitator.”

And, with this in mind, and looking back at the last couple of years (which admittedly have been the hardest of my life), I’ve never been happier.

AND, I think I’m better at being a gatherer.

There is a lot of pressure that we, and society, place on ourselves to be the hunter/gatherer, and to be the best hunter/gatherer.

The difficult lesson I’ve learnt this year is that we should instead perhaps focus on being the best partner and father first (or whatever this other ‘job’ is for you).

In the scheme of things, no one really cares how good of a hunter you are. But the important people care about how good you are at your first job.

Would you buy your son a pram?

Would you buy your son a pram?

by | Blog

When my son turned 4, we bought him a pram.

It was one of three things that he really wanted, and he had mentioned it frequently in the lead-up to his birthday.

Interestingly, I found myself evaluating and re-evaluating my gender biases. It revealed about me, to myself.

A lot of which I’m not proud of, especially considering one of the reasons my son wanted a pram was to ‘be like daddy’. Shouldn’t this gift have been a no-brainer?

Seeing how much joy it’s brought him, I don’t regret the decision for a moment. I’m ashamed that I had any second thoughts in the first place.

I’m ashamed of my hang-ups, but it’s helping me to grow, and challenge the biases that are still entrenched.

I’m proud of my son, and he gives me lots of hope that his generation won’t face some of the stereotypical gender expectations and stigma that my generation does.

As a kid, I would have never asked for the pram. Probably my dad would never have bought me one.

That’s progress.

Here of some of my learnings and reflections from the weekend:

– It’s actually very hard to buy a non-pink pram. The toy manufacturers really aren’t helping with this. But we did manage the find a green pram, even with a boy on the front. Representation matters. ‘What’s wrong with pink for a boy?’ you may ask. (Well, that’s a whole other post and discussion).

– A LOT of people (family, friends and strangers) felt the need to query “Did you buy him a pram for his birthday?” They didn’t ask this question about the other presents. My mother in las actually asked this question as my son opened the present in front of us. No one asked this question about his other gifts.

– I found myself being drawn into responding to this query with “Yes, it’s what he really wanted” as if I needed to defend our choice. Or “Yes, but we also got him a bike” (I can’t believe I felt the need to say that). Thankfully, I did stop myself at “Yes.”

– I found myself needing to summon the strength to take the pram with us to the park. Which is massively ironic considering I was taking a pram with his younger sister. I was fearful of the looks, the questions and the judgements. But I left my hangups at home and strolled proudly to the park. Prams side by side on the footpath. We had a lot of fun.

– His older brother and he fought over the pram and the baby doll at the park. And my eldest son (6) actually got quite upset that the birthday boy wasn’t sharing and he wasn’t getting a turn.

Perhaps, deep down, every boy wants a pram.